Who You'd Be Today

Today, 20 years ago, my amazing 17 year old brother Michael died of an enlarged heart. And for some reason it is just as fresh 20 years later as if it was the day after. I woke up knowing this day wasn't going to be easy, but in years past I would get through the day with only a few tears. But for some reason I can't even catch my breath. I don't know if its because I am an adult with two small children and a wonderful husband. Wondering what I would do if I lost one of them. The pain my father and mother has felt for 20 years, that is just jarring to me. The simple pain I feel is NOTING compared to what they feel daily.

I can replay the morning/day in my head like it just happened. I was 14 and I was a child. I was thrown into a world of major pain. I'm so very thankful for the community we lived in. I could have grown up to become a horrible kid, but with the help and constant support and protection of the ones around me. I am who I am today. My mother, the basket case that she is, really did take great care of my sister and I. She let us cry and sometimes made us cry (when she cried, which was A LOT!) But that was good. Losing Michael was awful, just horrible, something no family should ever have to deal with. And there are no buts. I'm not glad he went like he did, I'm not glad he went at all. I'm still pissed that he is gone. I'm still mad as hell that God took him from ME! My Mom and Dad, My sister. We had NO warning. He was just gone.

Michael didn't get to go to prom, graduation, go on vacation with us, start a career, fall in love, find out his wife is having a baby, have more babies, name his children, spend time with our grandparents, go on family vacations, do so many other selfish things: like meet my husband and approve of him, find out I'm having a baby and celebrate with my family and extended family. I miss my brother when we all get together as a family to celebrate birthdays or holidays or just get together. He is missing.

I am glad that both my sister and I were able to carry Michael's name on with our son's. We both named our boys after our brother. She named her first born Michael Oran and I named my son Cooper Michael. So we kept his name going. I'm going to encourage my kids to both keep the name going as well when the think of naming their kids or even pets. Johnston would be a good pet name. Or John as a little boy, but Dale not so much.

So with this all said. I do wonder who would Michael be today? Where would he work? Who would he be married to? How many children would he have and what would he have named them? Where would he have lived? What would he drive? I have so many, 'what if's', but I guess they are just silly, never to be answered questions. And until I meet him in heaven again, I'll be fine with that. But I do know he'd be one amazing man would is still loved by his family.

I love you brother and I miss you.