Galveston 2010

Journal Entry: Therapy again

Yesterday I went to another session of grief counseling. What a beating. I know I have not moved forward, I'm still in denial. But I have moved forward in trying to move forward. Last time I went, I didn't want to move on to the sad/depressed state. But this time I was willing to move forward. But I just couldn't/can't. I don't know how. She suggested watching some sad, sad movies and listening to some sad songs. So I'm going to do that. Not sure when, but I'm going to. Just got to figure out what movies are sad. I usually only watch happy chick flicks, so watching some sad movie won't be easy. Also, she said I needed to journal more. Because I have gained about 10 lbs since daddy died. I am eating instead of grieving. Which sucks! I worked my ass off to lose some weight and now it is piled back on. I'm mad at myself for doing this. So the dr. said to write instead of eating. OK. I see the point of journal writing now. So I bought myself a really nice soft leather journal to start writing in. I'm still going to blog, but not as much about daddy. Another reason to journal in the leather journal is so I can take it with me and write all the time. I love to blog, so I just hope I enjoy writing in the journal as much.

Journal Entry: Numb

Today I went back to my therapist. We started off discussing where I am in my grief process. Well, I'm still at the same place I was 2 weeks ago. Still numb. I haven't cried a lot, no major outbreaks, I feel 'fine'. Whatever that my feel like. I'm not a basket case, as I like to say "I'm in neutral" You know when you put the call in neutral and it doesn't do anything when you give it gas. I usually doesn't roll back or forward. It is just there. No motion. So I feel like I'm in neutral. She said I'm still in the first stage, disbelief, numb to what has occurred, no real realisation of where my daddy is. I'm not dealing with it. Which is normal. She said that major sadness and depression will be next. We'll I'm not looking forward to that at all! Not one bit. But I am looking forward to moving forward, so I need to let it happen.

She suggested I join a Grief Share group. And the next one is at the church on August 25th. So I'll join that. It is an 8 week program that meets once a week on Wed. evenings, and child care is provided. It's cost is $15. I look forward to joining other who are in this same boat I'm in.
http://www.griefshare.org/

Boobies, Boobies, Boobies

Yep, Boobies! I had the greatest idea this past winter. Well sister and I had the greatest idea. We decided over the holidays that for Michelle & Brian's 40th birthdays she and I will get boob jobs. Hers is for her birthday and mine are for Brian's birthday. Now sister has a huge pair, she just wants some that are pointing to the sky and not the ground and maybe a little smaller. And mine, I want them to be so damn perky they stand up by themselves and I don't have to wear a bra!!!!!! I have never, ever liked wearing a bra and 85% of the time I don't wear a bra. I wear a lot of sports bras these days, they don't have under wire and they don't poke or feel tight by the end of the day. I want my boobs to point up more than to my toes as they do now. I don't want them to be huge, the size they are now is just fine. I don't want 'big boobs' it's not my personality or style. But I do want them to be off my belly and on my chest.

I'm not asking for much. Oh, and Brian is ALL for this. He's a boob man and can't wait! So next April, May or June I'll be getting new boobs for Brian's 40th birthday July 1st!! WOOHOO!!!

Accutaine

After 20 years of having break outs all over my face, I have finally started taking a medication that is sure to cure my puberty blues. I have been seeing the same dermatologist for years. Now he and I have come to the conclusion that I have to take the strongest thing on the market to make this pesky cyst acne go away. After many other medications used, from pills to ointments, we have moved on to the big daddy of them all. Accutaine is a very dangerous medication. There is SO much red tape I have to go through to get the medication, but I'm thankful for finally being able to take it. When I was younger, I/we assumed it was just me going through puberty. But in my 20's I knew it was much more serious than just puberty.

Before being prescribed the medication, I have to take a pregnancy test, then once the pregnancy test is negative, I have to have a full blood panel reviewed to ensure my body, organs and such can take the medication. Then after those results are given to the doctor I am given a prescription to get the medication. BUT before I can have the Rx filled, I have to go online to answer 10 questions about my mood (it is a mood altering drug) what 2 forms of contraceptive I will be using to ensure I will not get pregnant and some other silly questions. Then I have 10 days to pick up the prescription. When I pick up the prescription I must show an ID card that the online program gives me as well as my photo ID. SO MUCH RED TAPE. But that's not all. Then 3 weeks later I have to do it all over again (except the full blood panel). I go for a blood test to ensure I'm not pregnant, then back to the doctor for a prescription, then home to answer online questions, then to pick up the prescription. All this goes on for 6 months. Then at the end of 6 months I have another full blood panel taken to make sure my liver and other organs are all OK from the medications and a last pregnancy test preformed. With all the pregnancy test done, it's not the pee in a cup test. It is a blood test, in the end I will have had 7 pregnancy blood test done as well as 2 full blood panels to make sure my guts are all ok. That is 9 blood draws. Did you know I hate needles, I have deep veins and it takes pediatric needles to get blood from my poor arms? Did you know that. I am dedicated to doing this. I have never had a complex with my face, it's mine, it is what I was given, but it is going to be so nice to not worry about how my chin looks when I go out in public. I've always had this face, so dealing with breakouts was a daily unchanged deal I have been dealing with. I have always hated wearing makeup, I felt it didn't help the breakouts, but neither does my cycle. I won't have to plan things around my face, like family photos or silliness like that. I'm ready to have a 34 year olds face, not a 14 year olds face. So by Christmas I'll be 'pretty' and I can't wait.

A 'new' face and new boobs by next summer. Brian isn't going to know what to do with me, excpet lock me in our bedroom. Ohh la la!!

Good Days

The past few days have been good days. I have really enjoyed being with my precious kiddos! Isabella and Cooper are just really amazing kids. They love to love each other, but love to fight and show the other who's boss. And even though I get really irritated with them at times, I love the way they are both independent, yet they need each other. When one is asleep, the other wants him/her to wake up. Bella asks me all the time when can we go get Cooper. And Cooper grunts bedda and points upstairs. I love the way they really care for each other. Makes my heart so happy.

This week we have been taking Bella to swim lessons. We are go every morning to south west Plano to Ms. Margaret's house. She's the lady both kids took from last year. She's probably about 75+ years old and looks 110 years old. She's been teaching swim to kids for upwards of 40 years, so she's been in the sun alot. Her body is wrinkled and she is so very dark. None the less, Bella is swimming so great and really rocked my sox when we went to the pool yesterday. Fearless and all she was just a little fish. I am thrilled we did this again this year. Cooper was enrolled, but when daddy died I tried one day with him and I just couldn't mess with him and me in a class (mommy & me class for under 3). So next year he's on his own. And since he'll be talking more by then it will be easier for the teachers too.

Yesterday we had some friends join us at the splash pool, it's 1ft 6 in deep. So all the little ones love it just as much as the bigger kiddos. Cooper, Kate & Mason had fun splashing and Bella, Logan and Braeden had more fun splashing and chasing and swimming around the pool. We were out there for nearly 3 hours. So much fun!!

We've been able to fit the gym back into our schedule this week again, Thank God! I really need that time to let out some built up stress/anger. So after swim lessons we head to the gym. Then home to nap. Bella is beat by the time we arrive home and I'm loving the 2 hour naps both kids take!

Next week Cooper starts speech therapy. He'll go two days a week for 30 minutes. I'm very happy he'll be able to communicate with me, his daddy, sister and teacher's next year. Not to mention anyone who asks him a question, he'll use his words, not noises like grunts & grones.

Journal Entry: Another Day

Today was a good day. We went to swim lessons at 9:15, went to the gym at 10:15 then home to get ready for a visit from one of my favorite people. Nicky Brown came to visit! Nicky was in another state when daddy died, working and then had to go directly to another country the days following, so he was not able to make it to the funeral. Nicky had a bit of guilt and resentment for missing daddy's funeral and not being there for me. So we talked it out and I reassured him there was nothing he could do, I knew and understood his situation and I was find with it. I know Nicky would have been there in a heart beat if he wasn't flying to another country the following morning and being gone for a few days. I know he would have done a million things different, but he had no control over it. I showed Nicky the video that we had made and he was able to grieve for a minute, I'm sure that helped and was a bit healing for him. I'm glad he came over and he got to visit with me and the kids for a while. It was so nice to see him again.

Then I received two phone calls on friend just checking up on me. I love knowing people are still there for me. I needed to hear from Jennifer P. & Patti Cakes. Knowing I am loved helps the healing.

Tomorrow I have some friends coming to swim at the splash pool. I love being around my friends, I would surround myself with them all the time; if all our lives weren't so busy. Allison and Kim are the two that are coming tomorrow. They have been my friends for years now and I can only hope and pray they will continue to be my friends for many more years to come.

Journal Entry: Two Weeks

Today it's been two weeks that my daddy went to be with the Lord. I can't say anything is easier, I can't say that I'm feeling any better, I can't say that I am moving on. Because I'm not. I feel like this situation will be over soon and we'll all be able to move on and things will be the same. But it's not. My life as I knew it is not the same. I am not the same person I was 2 weeks ago. I am not the same daughter, wife or mother. However, I do believe my change is going to be for the good. I am not depressed! I know I am so loved! I see happiness in my children and in turn I feel better, even if it is just a minute at a time. I know that my father would be so unhappy if he knew we were mopping around with our heads hung low waiting for a shoulder to cry on. So I am choosing to try to make every day a better day. I am choosing to remember my daddy and all the wonderful qualities I will miss, but know that I can share each quality with my children and pray they will take the same qualities and use them in their own lives, for the better!!! My daddy was an honorable man. He honored his Lord and Savior. He honored his wife and marriage. He honored the loved ones around him, even if they didn't not deserve the honor. I love that quality that my father possessed. Honor. I will teach my children to have honor and to be honorable.

Honor: strong moral character or strength, and adherence to ethical principles

Honorable: guided by, or with a reputation for having, strong moral and ethical principles

That won't be a hard quality to teach my children. Brian & I will lead by example.

Swimming Lessons

I have the kids in swim lessons again this year. Bella is a fish and has really impressed the teachers. Cooper is all boy and has his own agenda. Just as long as he learns more this year than last year, I'll be thrilled. He was a fish by the end of summer last year, so a tiny bit more will make be happy. I'm not expecting him to be a fish, but he's on his way.

We went Monday, June 7th for a two week session, they tested and were given their swim lesson times. Bella was 9:15 and Cooper was 5:30. Tuesday morning, June 8th Bella and I went to the lessons and when we got home, Brian told me my daddy had died. So we canceled the sessions for those two weeks.

So when we show up for this session (we pre-scheduled in March and paid for 2- 2week sessions). The teacher Mrs. Margaret, was a bit snootie with me and well I didn't take her 'mouth' and I let her have it. I told her how ugly she was to me, if she would just listen to me and actually TRY to understand what I am saying that maybe she would understand. I let loose. I cried, yelled and I wasn't very nice. But her attitude turned around very quickly and she was very nice to me after my episode. Boy, don't mess with me right now!! I bet she'll remember me if we choose to come back next year.

So the kids have swim lessons until Thrusday, July 1st. I sure hope they enjoy it. It is the biggest beating I put myself through, they better appreciate this (someday). I will have to be in the mommy & me class with Cooper for a few days, then he MAY be able to go to a more advanced class. But I'm not holding my breath.

Journal Entry: Therapy

Last week I went to the Minirth Clinic, a christian based counseling center to talk to someone about all the grieve I've been through this past few days. One of the things my doctor told me to do was to journal all the time. Write about the things I will miss about my father, the qualities he had that I want my children to remember about him. The stories I love most of him and the things I just want to remember. Anything and everything. So I will, I will write. Some of this will not make sense to just any reader. So understand this is for me.

I asked my brother in law, Buddy to make a video for my mom, sister & I of photos of my daddy. It is a beautiful, touching tribute of daddy. I love the songs, the photos and the feeling (although it is a sad, weak, anger feeling), I have a feeling of pride, happiness. My daddy had a full life, filled with fun, love & excitement. He was able to marry both Michelle and I off. He knew our husbands really well. He held our children, all of them. He had a relationship with our children. They knew who he was, and will always know who he was. He was our rock, our support system, our babysitter, our grill master, our daddy and Poppy. I know with the love we have for our daddy, he will always live on in our daily life. We will never stop reminding our children who their Poppy was. And I'm PROUD of that! I'm proud to me my daddy's little girl.

Thank you Jesus, for allowing me to be my daddy's girl. For allowing me to know how a husband should treat his wife, for allowing me to know how loved I am and to have known my daddy in the most amazing ways. I am so blessed and proud to be a daddy's girl!

Journal Entry: First Father's Day

Today was the first Father's Day without my daddy. He's been gone less than two weeks and I'm not sure how I actually got through the day. The night before we had a cook out at my sister in laws house. My mom and sister & Major come too. Then mom stayed the night at my house. She left my house this morning very, very early to travel to her brother's house. I hated to see her go, I cried all morning. I just needed her to be with me, but I know my grieving my daddy's death on father's day would not be easy for her. She needs to grieve on her own, in her own ways. And mom's daddy has only been gone for a year and a half. So she's got her own father to grieve over.

I did get up when mom left. I let Brian sleep in and I played with the kids, fed them a little breakfast then I made cinnamon rolls for Brian and the kids. The kids did crafts and since they woke up SOOO early, the entire house when down for a nap at 11am! Yep, my new rule is, if you wake up early, you take an early nap. And if you are still fussy that afternoon, you get another nap. (I actually LOVE this new rule!) After a nice 2 hour nap, we all got up, had lunch and headed to the pool for a few hours. We came home and I ventured out to the grocery store. I had not been grocery shopping in over 3 weeks, so I spent 2 hours and over $300 at the grocery store. We are now stocked for a good amount of time!

Before I went to the grocery store, I asked Brian what he would like for Father's day dinner, he wanted ribs! So I got the ones the little guy makes ready to eat outside. They were ok, not good or great!

So all in all, it was a very emotional morning, but better day. Bitter sweet!

Happy Father's day to my amazing daddy and wonderful husband. You both have molded me to be the strong, independent woman I am today. I love you more than you will ever understand.
I miss you so much daddy!

Yellow roses grow in heaven, Lord pick a bunch for me. Place them in my father's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and miss him. When he turns to smile place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for awhile, because remembering him is easy, I do it every day. There's an ache in my heart that will never go away. Happy Father's Day! I love you Daddy!

Journal Entry: Reality

June 10, 2010
Mike B. Johnston
WEATHERFORD — Mike B. Johnston, loving husband, Dad, Poppy, brother, uncle and friend, entered Heaven’s glory Tuesday, June 8, 2010, at the age of 67.

Mike was born in Clovis, N.M., March 6, 1943. He was the youngest of six children. He grew up in Lubbock and attended Lubbock High School, and immediately entered into the U.S. Army. After many years of service with Carswell Airforce Base, Tupperware, Home Team Apartment Locators and Lowe’s of Carrollton, Mike had recently retired to Brock, Texas. As a husband, he was a best friend; as a father, he was our rock; as a proud grandfather, he was a constant smile, big hug and comforting word.

He was proceeded in death by his parents, Robert Scott Johnston and Annie Ailene Johnston; his brother, Robert Scott Johnston Jr.; his sister, Mary Will Rector; and his son, Michael Dale Johnston.

Mike is survived by his wife of 42 years, Donnie Johnston of Brock and Corinth; two daughters, Michelle Johnston Pittard and husband, Mark, of Corinth, and Christy Johnston Corr and husband, Brian, of Allen; five grandchildren, Michael, Mavrick and Major Pittard, and Isabella and Cooper Corr; three siblings: brother, Sam Johnston of Lampasas; sister, Nancy Shelly of Hobbs, N.M.; and brother, Dan Johnston of Lubbock; and a multitude of family and friends.

Funeral service will be held at 10 a.m. Friday, June 11, 2010, at North Side Baptist Church, 910 N. Main St., in Weatherford. Burial services are at Brock Cemetery immediately following. The family will receive visitors from 6 to 8 p.m. Thursday, June 10, 2010, at Galbreaith-Pickard Funeral Chapel. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the American Heart Association or Brock Baptist Church Building Fund.

It's been a

LONG time! Gosh, I have so much catching up to do, even from this past Christmas. I am so at a loss on where to start or even what to even post. We've been having a great summer already and we are just one week in. I've been having issues with blogging, it is just a beating on my computer, I forgot my password, I've changed my email address but can't change it on the blogger. I guess I just gave up. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do and how. I'll get it all rolling again soon. I promise. I have so great photos to post and I want to share my beautiful children with you. So I'll get the ball rolling again, soon!!

Who You'd Be Today

Today, 20 years ago, my amazing 17 year old brother Michael died of an enlarged heart. And for some reason it is just as fresh 20 years later as if it was the day after. I woke up knowing this day wasn't going to be easy, but in years past I would get through the day with only a few tears. But for some reason I can't even catch my breath. I don't know if its because I am an adult with two small children and a wonderful husband. Wondering what I would do if I lost one of them. The pain my father and mother has felt for 20 years, that is just jarring to me. The simple pain I feel is NOTING compared to what they feel daily.

I can replay the morning/day in my head like it just happened. I was 14 and I was a child. I was thrown into a world of major pain. I'm so very thankful for the community we lived in. I could have grown up to become a horrible kid, but with the help and constant support and protection of the ones around me. I am who I am today. My mother, the basket case that she is, really did take great care of my sister and I. She let us cry and sometimes made us cry (when she cried, which was A LOT!) But that was good. Losing Michael was awful, just horrible, something no family should ever have to deal with. And there are no buts. I'm not glad he went like he did, I'm not glad he went at all. I'm still pissed that he is gone. I'm still mad as hell that God took him from ME! My Mom and Dad, My sister. We had NO warning. He was just gone.

Michael didn't get to go to prom, graduation, go on vacation with us, start a career, fall in love, find out his wife is having a baby, have more babies, name his children, spend time with our grandparents, go on family vacations, do so many other selfish things: like meet my husband and approve of him, find out I'm having a baby and celebrate with my family and extended family. I miss my brother when we all get together as a family to celebrate birthdays or holidays or just get together. He is missing.

I am glad that both my sister and I were able to carry Michael's name on with our son's. We both named our boys after our brother. She named her first born Michael Oran and I named my son Cooper Michael. So we kept his name going. I'm going to encourage my kids to both keep the name going as well when the think of naming their kids or even pets. Johnston would be a good pet name. Or John as a little boy, but Dale not so much.

So with this all said. I do wonder who would Michael be today? Where would he work? Who would he be married to? How many children would he have and what would he have named them? Where would he have lived? What would he drive? I have so many, 'what if's', but I guess they are just silly, never to be answered questions. And until I meet him in heaven again, I'll be fine with that. But I do know he'd be one amazing man would is still loved by his family.

I love you brother and I miss you.

Winter Wonderland Day 2

We started out our morning with heart shaped pancakes. Three different sizes, they turned our very cute!

This is what we woke up to... our front yard. Breathtaking!


across the street, even the street was covered.





our backyard!